I've been having a really hard time getting on this week. My head and my heart are between Farmington and Portland and though I'm fully committed to my work here, I just can't wait to be there, to restart my life. I feel like damaged goods; everyone treats me differently because I'm graduating. Most of the people in my classes think everything I say is brilliant and there's a nice guy in two of my classes and I've been trying to talk to him, but our conversations fall flat because he knows I'm leaving in May.
This week, two close friends both said I was "going places." I know what they meant, but it's hard not to read into their words. I hear You're going to graduate school and you're smart and you're too good for me. I hope I've never treated anyone like I was better than them, but I hate to think that people I'm intimidating or I can only be friends with people as smart as myself. The truth is, I don't find myself to be particularly smart. I know that what I say matters, but I see everything I know and learn as part of a conversation, an exchange where I can provide my perspective and learn from others'. It's incredibly difficult to destroy perceptions of yourself and I have to wonder whether it's worth the effort for four months, but it grates me daily to think that people see me as the big fish in a small pond. I didn't get here without help and I'm only human.
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I'm spending the rest of the weekend writing my senior thesis. I love and hate it. I'm never done grappling with ideas, but I'm trying to throw everything I know together into something cohesive. Most of the time it feels like I'm trying to nail Jell-o to a wall.
Showing posts with label reflection. Show all posts
Showing posts with label reflection. Show all posts
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Monday, December 12, 2011
On the Inside Looking In
I write to you having finished all my papers. I had no finals and I have no research projects, grants, or extended work rolling over into the break and I feel so free! I even started a book this afternoon (after a nap, of course). It's the season of reading all the things I want and nothing I don't and I'm very pleased. My best wishes to all those still working on their papers and finals.
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The title of this blog indicates a certain presumptuous way of thinking. Anyone who knows me, knows I am open-minded and have deep affection and appreciation for other cultures and ways of life. But I tend to think about things from an American perspective and I often look at things, asking how they will affect the Americas, mainly the U.S. I guess you could say I'm exceptionalist, though not expansionist in my political sentiments. I do believe the U.S. is part of a divine plan (and not in an evangelical way either) in the sense that I believe in God and I think He has put us on earth and in this land with purpose.
I often find it necessary to question my worldview and way of thinking and part of that involves interrogating the culture to which I belong and subscribe. In other words, I try to take the outsiders perspective and look inward. Last week, as I was finishing up with classes, Gustavo brought in two Chinese professors who are visiting and staying at UMF. Their thoughts on American politics and foreign policy was refreshingly enlightening. They critiqued the current Republican-nomination race, characterizing it as showy and hinting at its circus-like feel; admitted that the President is of less concern than the Secretary of State (Henry Kissinger is still held in high regard there); and said that the Chinese government is not an oppositional force that the U.S. should see as a rivalry, but a partner seeking cooperation from the U.S. I personally favor cooperation, but opinions matter less than the meaning of this story. We need to reflect. We need to think of ourselves in a different light. We need to look inward and discover a truer sense of national identity before proceeding outward.
* * *
The title of this blog indicates a certain presumptuous way of thinking. Anyone who knows me, knows I am open-minded and have deep affection and appreciation for other cultures and ways of life. But I tend to think about things from an American perspective and I often look at things, asking how they will affect the Americas, mainly the U.S. I guess you could say I'm exceptionalist, though not expansionist in my political sentiments. I do believe the U.S. is part of a divine plan (and not in an evangelical way either) in the sense that I believe in God and I think He has put us on earth and in this land with purpose.
I often find it necessary to question my worldview and way of thinking and part of that involves interrogating the culture to which I belong and subscribe. In other words, I try to take the outsiders perspective and look inward. Last week, as I was finishing up with classes, Gustavo brought in two Chinese professors who are visiting and staying at UMF. Their thoughts on American politics and foreign policy was refreshingly enlightening. They critiqued the current Republican-nomination race, characterizing it as showy and hinting at its circus-like feel; admitted that the President is of less concern than the Secretary of State (Henry Kissinger is still held in high regard there); and said that the Chinese government is not an oppositional force that the U.S. should see as a rivalry, but a partner seeking cooperation from the U.S. I personally favor cooperation, but opinions matter less than the meaning of this story. We need to reflect. We need to think of ourselves in a different light. We need to look inward and discover a truer sense of national identity before proceeding outward.
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