Coma-post (haha!)

Do you ever have one of those books that you can't put down? I started Zachary Mexico's China Underground on Wednesday and breezed through the first hundred pages and read the last 200 last night, finishing just after midnight. It wasn't one of those so-called profound books and I won't be talking about how it changed my life, but it was addicting. Mexico has this conversational, sing-songy way of writing that just flows from chapter to chapter. It's a travelogue and he's never in one place for very long (I suspect some critic would cite the book as lacking "depth."), but his insights and criticisms are spot on. He's not overly-idealistic about China, but he's not ethnocentric either.

But alas, this is not a blog of book reviews. It has led me to contemplate what kind of reader I am or want to become. When I leave college, I don't want to stop reading. Indeed, I want to devour more than ever because I won't have the demands of school hounding me. But what kind of reader am I? Well, most of the time I think of myself as not having read enough. I don't know enough history; I haven't read enough the classics; I'm over-read in a certain area or time period, etc. I'm not blameless, but I suspect that college has made me one of those over-neurotic types that never thinks he's good enough and thus prone to panic and self-doubt on a regular basis. Or was that my Catholic upbringing? Let's just hope I'm not famous enough at my death to warrant a publication of my journals...the analysis, psycho and otherwise, would keep people occupied for centuries.

The last two weeks have been hard. The holidays always make me more pensive. Myles and I decided to just be friends, which is as complex as it sounds. One of my biggest supporters in my college career recently rebuked me in a controversy that seems to be ever-unfolding. All of it has culminated in a decision I believe is best for me: I am NOT going to apply to the University of Iowa. Over the past few days I've gone from telling myself I'm not ready for a doctoral program to I hate what universities have become and are becoming and I don't want to be in that environment. If I am accepted to USM for Social Work, I will go, but right now I am planning for other alternatives for next year. The mystery of it all frustrates and scares me. And that's where I am right now.

I'm about to go make some delicious (pray!) pizzas and enjoy some time with friends. It's a small task and pizza isn't that hard to make, but I need to find my success and satisfaction in the little things in life.