I've been having a really hard time getting on this week. My head and my heart are between Farmington and Portland and though I'm fully committed to my work here, I just can't wait to be there, to restart my life. I feel like damaged goods; everyone treats me differently because I'm graduating. Most of the people in my classes think everything I say is brilliant and there's a nice guy in two of my classes and I've been trying to talk to him, but our conversations fall flat because he knows I'm leaving in May.
This week, two close friends both said I was "going places." I know what they meant, but it's hard not to read into their words. I hear You're going to graduate school and you're smart and you're too good for me. I hope I've never treated anyone like I was better than them, but I hate to think that people I'm intimidating or I can only be friends with people as smart as myself. The truth is, I don't find myself to be particularly smart. I know that what I say matters, but I see everything I know and learn as part of a conversation, an exchange where I can provide my perspective and learn from others'. It's incredibly difficult to destroy perceptions of yourself and I have to wonder whether it's worth the effort for four months, but it grates me daily to think that people see me as the big fish in a small pond. I didn't get here without help and I'm only human.
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I'm spending the rest of the weekend writing my senior thesis. I love and hate it. I'm never done grappling with ideas, but I'm trying to throw everything I know together into something cohesive. Most of the time it feels like I'm trying to nail Jell-o to a wall.
